Into now and Over it!

It has been SO LONG since I last wrote a post! oops, life gets crazy and in the way sometimes, and you know...sometimes, you just don't want to write.

This past week has been so crazy, and I think I have experienced every emotion under-the-sun. I don't know whether it's the (yet another) gray, cold Maryland weather, my allergies starting to kick up full-force, or just everything from this past week, but I feel like I could sleep all day.

We have taken down my PT session to 1x a week so the other days I can go to the Y for some self-guided aquatic therapy. My surgeon thinks the water will be my "breakthrough" treatment. He also suddenly decided he is unhappy with my extension and wants me to be able to hyperextend again like my right knee; because basically, "that's how your maker made you!" Thanks doc, but maybe he got it wrong?
So, still a frustrating, way-to-long process that I just WISH and PRAY was over already. I AM OVER this knee injury. But as this week would prove, it happened, I have to continue to acknowledge it and realize that it is my struggle and I can't blame myself or others around me.
-good news though, I have begun to drive my car again- which is manual! 10 months of not driving the thing, and it was like riding a bike. If a bike had 4 wheels and all future endeavors depended upon the use of it. I can't go far yet, but each day I drive it, the better I get. Like a work-out in and of itself.

So not only the car and pool this week, I decided after much deliberation and arguing with my inner stubborn self and discussing with RN hubby- that I was going to become a consultant for Thirty-One Gifts. I know what you are all thinking- "Sell out!!" I thought that too. But after 10 months and being almost functional except for walking- I had to do something! -especially for the husband I love so much. But that's not the only thing, I have not given up on being an OT either and 31 allows me to be both and the products are super OT friendly. This week, I had an interview with an OT recruiter who was just wonderful and gave me a lot of hope that she could find me something with the "light-duty" needs my surgeon and I require. All of this above, the Thirty-One the OT potentials; I finally feel...motivated, a sense of self worth again, rejuvenated, important. I haven't felt this way since a little after our honeymoon ended.

I may fail! I recognize that, but honey...I can't fall any lower than I am now and if I don't try these endeavors, I'll never know what I am capable of. People keep telling me how strong I have been; how I have "persevered" through this whole thing, I'd like to live up to that. Because the truth is, I have actually been struggling for a long time.

 

INTO and OVER IT

 

 

Over it: winter, being cold, dry skin, Maryland

Into: SPRING, warmth, southern hospitality

 

 

Over it: doubt, guilt, depression

Into: really consciously trying not to be the above

 

Over it: THIS KNEE INJURY
Into: learning to accept it and work even harder to overcome it

 

Over it: judgmental stares and not wanting to leave the house in fear of them (judgment in general)

Into: accepting who I am, and recognizing judgmental stares are either curiosity or other people's own misery

 

Over it: feeling miserable

Into: finding some joy at least once a day

 

Over it: accepting crappy food at a restaurant

Into: saying something, politely of course

 

Over it: people who refuse my hospitality

Into: always and forever cooking for my loved ones and those who want it and forgetting about those who refuse

 

Over it: church (this may become a blog post soon because I have a reason, I used to LOVE church) and all the fakeness that is at church

Into: faith and aiming to be truly faithful- it makes me a better person

 

Over it: getting so mad at myself when I go over my calorie/weight watchers points

Into: try my best every day, but choose a variety of healthy options and  don't worry if I splurge

 

Over it: too much wine

Into: classy cocktails (new endeavor?) and moderate amounts of wine

 

Over it: Anger

Into: knowing and trusting that I am loved, regardless of situations

 



 

Love, that's all.

xoxo

 



Pre Valentine's reflections...

...more less random thoughts that have baffled me in the past few days with some much needed love thrown in.

First things first though, I saw my surgeon on Monday. Walked into his office in Lutherville on one crutch trying to prove that I am awesome and getting better even if it I did feel like crap (mind over matter, right?) I only lasted about 5 hours on one crutch and then my quad stopped wanting to work and the knee really began to lock up; but baby steps for community 1-crutching. I am primarily 1-crutched in our apartment. Mr. Surgeon didn't yell at me as I had irrationally feared! Hooray! He thinks my progress is going well, just going to take a while (what? more time?  sarcasm). I then proceeded to keep him longer and make his med student uncomfortable by whipping out a list of a dozen questions and reading over all in what I'm sure was some sort of pressured speech; because when I finished he stared at me with widened eyes.
- Basically the pain and weakness and everything we have gone through are NOT normal (fantastic) and as for me returning to a "functional" and "pain-free" state? His answer was, "I certainly hope so." DEAR GOD. I hope so too. So in conclusion? We are all just winging it at this point and have to continue to take it each day at a time. Another 4 weeks before I see him again, so continue with therapy and work on becoming an even better homemaker/homebody hermit. My career? Still floating somewhere in the OT stratosphere.

But I digress-

I began this entry yesterday on my cell phone while at my parents' house waiting for my PT appointment. I started it by making bullet points and when I came back to it today, I was like..."Ohhh." I feel like I started ALL my grad thesis papers with bullets. Even if it was stupid, like:
- type details about Model of Human Occupation (MOHO) here relating to topic
-you need 5 MORE CITATIONS!!!
-man this paper is DUMB
-check PINTREST for wedding ideas
Old habits die hard, and keeps me diving over that "type A" ledge.

(Now I'll start with my bulleted items, haha. Anyone else have THIS much going on in their brain at one time they need to bullet...their thoughts??)...nevermind.

Anyways, yesterday I was watching Girl Code on MTV with my sister. I think the show is pretty funny and the comedians offer some witty satire about "Girl problems" from time to time- so something fun to let my brain melt to...until...the bafflement and uncomfortable questions began. Cue scary music. The sis practically got out a notepad and was taking notes on what these comedians were joshin' about on MTV. I'm talking everything from people being creepy to how to talk to a man to "how can you possibly think you're pregnant if you don't have SEX????" Oh, goodness. Please. Stop. The. Questions. Why are there even questions??  I mean, a woman can think she's pregnant just by psychologically tricking herself into thinking so---"My boobs DO feel weird!" with no other evidence necessary. But what really got me baffled here was over an acne commercial. Can I again mention this is still on MTV? The statement here was, "this is a bad commercial because boys don't wash their face for acne they don't do that stuff." Apparently for sis in her-almost mid-20s, boys are a completely different species of ape and due to living under a rock, it now seems older sis has revealed way too much as I told her, "many boys and men wash their face and even care about their body odor..." it was like I made something short circuit. Oh dear, sweet sis...please come out of your cave soon.

Another thing on my mind: I really wanted to write about the pattern I have been noticing especially among family members and acquaintances about love being synonymous for money. I am glad I waited until today instead of yesterday, day before, or Monday...when I was extremely heated about this topic. With all that has been going on between RN hubby and I regarding my injury and just the expenses of today, we really had to scale back. I make a lot more things now and prefer to home make pizza dough, hot chocolate and other things I know we eat a lot. If I could make peanut butter, TP, and paper towels, we'd be golden!! But I'm also not super crazy, just trying to help. So, when it comes to birthdays, showers, or other events, I really want to spoil- I love my friends. But I have to scale back for a while until I get back on my feet by limiting purchases or making gifts and I just feel SO guilty. But why? Money does not equal love and caring. I always feel like I have to explain myself too...like why I didn't bring MORE or spend MORE. No one should have to do that, that's just silly! Being with each other, conversation, cooking, sharing wine...sharing anything, these are the important things. Not the price an item was and someone placing a condition behind it, "look how much I've done for you!" (this has and currently is happening to us with someone we know)- does this person know how stressful that condition is when stated, even though we really appreciate the gesture and thought?
RN hubby and I are giving each other cards and I'm making him dinner this Valentine's day. That makes me very happy, even though I'd love to give him more and show him how much I appreciate his efforts for our family. Eventually we'll be back...I'll be back; and we can head back down to our favorite B&B The Bartlett Pear and be able to save up again for a house and (most likely) a car for me. But I really have had it with the love being equal to money. Stop. It doesn't make you a better person.

Phew, now that I got that off my chest...craft time!

I've embroidered some LOVE on a small canvas that I'm going to hang somewhere in our comfy abode.

Because all you need is love! And crafts...and Pinterest...and a hubby who supports and encourages your new found homemaker-ness.
   
*Side note! Today in North Carroll County when it decided to snow 50 feet (ok 20 inches), and RN hubby had to stay at work last night and all day today, it lead my homemaker-ness to turn into pure anxiety waiting for him to get home and naturally resulted in a clean apartment, cat box, and deconstruction/reconstruction of our Dyson to clean its innards. Exhausting!

Dinner Tonight
The ultimate PMS, most amazing creation ever! A sort of "deconstructed turkey burger"
-Alexia waffle fries, ground turkey meat (seasoned), reduced fat cheddar, light sour cream, onions, lettuce and tomatoes. Essie nail polish not included...this time.

 

Can you say, yum??

I'm looking forward to share our Valentine's dinner plans! Tomorrow's plan is Chocolate linguine with pancetta and peas. Recipe inspiration by the Italian diva Giada DeLaurentis. Ohhh baby


Stay safe and warm during all this crazy snow my friends and love on!

RN hubby and my baby girl, Allie earlier this winter. My world. xo

"What are you blogging about?"

This was the text my mom sent me after I sent, "I think I'm going to dabble in blogging."

 

Such an excellent question. Sometimes my mom throws out the simplest of questions and completely gets my mind buzzing with ideas. She's so good at that, and that's one of the many reasons she is the best.

After taking me about 2 hours to come up with a name, comparing various blogging sites, and then the exhausting battle of, "what should my background color be???" I think I'll settle here. For now.

I married in Greek (That's the side RN hubby and I like to associate with most of the time); am an Occupational Therapist and can BS my way through 50 page papers like a boss and make anything OT related (can I get an "Amen" from my OT brethren??) Currently, I'm the proud momma of my loveable and sassy fur kitten-baby, Allie; and love more than anything to COOK for my friends and family. Crafting and DIY has become a close second, thanks to beautiful, distractible, got-me-through-grad-school Pinterest.

Beginning this blog, idea page, story of my life, adult livejournal (ahh, good times), girly gab fest, I think has been at least 9 months in the making. -No, I am not talking about pregnancy (though I think my MIL would be totally OK with that [though we wouldn't be...yet!]) But it so happens that exactly 8 months and 21 days ago I married my wonderful, loyal, big hearted, RN husband. Now, before I go further this isn't all going to be about how mushy and fabulous RN hubby and I are in our first year of marriage (though I might have my moments); but rather the reality of our first year and the many more years to come.

The reality is: nearly 9 months ago on our wedding day, after the "I Do's" and what people still tell me today was the "important part," I fell at our reception; tearing nearly every ligament in my left knee from my 4th (3.5ish) knee dislocation. I was carted out of our reception on a stretcher, and was in the ER in a wedding gown. Today: February 9, 2014,  I have gone through roughly 8 months of PT, seen 2 orthopedists and have had 2 subsequent surgeries to repair my knee from my wedding day fall. I am currently laying on the floor typing away while in a continuous passive motion (CPM) machine (100 degrees today) to work on knee flexion. Good news is- things seem to be finally- and I say that tentatively, making a turn for the better. I see the surgeon tomorrow. I have irrational fears of him yelling at me and saying, "It's not good enough!"- but he has yet to do that...when you've  had an injury for this long, you irrationally imagine everyone yelling at you.

So, maybe I'll eventually write about the details of the wedding and the left knee disaster? It'll be cathartic, therapeutic even. A total admittance to me still not being "ok" with the situation. Which, guess what, it's OK not to be OK. RN hubby taught me that. 

If I get nothing out of blogging, that's OK. If no one reads, that's OK too. It's for me, my husband, my precious cat, maybe my family and some friends. This is my route to release some creative energy, a place where I can challenge myself mentally and even share my adventures with becoming an "accidental housewife." - You can't be a therapist when you can't walk. 8.75 months people. Stir crazy, much??

Also, anyone else over this Polar Vortex? Stop snowing, please. Crutches + snow/ice = treachery.

Dinner tonight when RN hubby gets home, I always try and wait for him even if it is 8:30-9pm and against all dieting advice. Whatever.

-Roasted lemon, wine, butter chicken breast

- parmesan grits

-leftover roasted balsamic Brussels sprouts

We are so fancy. :]

Happy Sochi everyone, I must go tear-up as I watch figure skating.

RN hubby and I on our honeymoon in the Mayan Riviera. Such a beautiful place!