This past week has been so crazy, and I think I have experienced every emotion under-the-sun. I don't know whether it's the (yet another) gray, cold Maryland weather, my allergies starting to kick up full-force, or just everything from this past week, but I feel like I could sleep all day.
We have taken down my PT session to 1x a week so the other days I can go to the Y for some self-guided aquatic therapy. My surgeon thinks the water will be my "breakthrough" treatment. He also suddenly decided he is unhappy with my extension and wants me to be able to hyperextend again like my right knee; because basically, "that's how your maker made you!" Thanks doc, but maybe he got it wrong?
So, still a frustrating, way-to-long process that I just WISH and PRAY was over already. I AM OVER this knee injury. But as this week would prove, it happened, I have to continue to acknowledge it and realize that it is my struggle and I can't blame myself or others around me.
-good news though, I have begun to drive my car again- which is manual! 10 months of not driving the thing, and it was like riding a bike. If a bike had 4 wheels and all future endeavors depended upon the use of it. I can't go far yet, but each day I drive it, the better I get. Like a work-out in and of itself.
So not only the car and pool this week, I decided after much deliberation and arguing with my inner stubborn self and discussing with RN hubby- that I was going to become a consultant for Thirty-One Gifts. I know what you are all thinking- "Sell out!!" I thought that too. But after 10 months and being almost functional except for walking- I had to do something! -especially for the husband I love so much. But that's not the only thing, I have not given up on being an OT either and 31 allows me to be both and the products are super OT friendly. This week, I had an interview with an OT recruiter who was just wonderful and gave me a lot of hope that she could find me something with the "light-duty" needs my surgeon and I require. All of this above, the Thirty-One the OT potentials; I finally feel...motivated, a sense of self worth again, rejuvenated, important. I haven't felt this way since a little after our honeymoon ended.
I may fail! I recognize that, but honey...I can't fall any lower than I am now and if I don't try these endeavors, I'll never know what I am capable of. People keep telling me how strong I have been; how I have "persevered" through this whole thing, I'd like to live up to that. Because the truth is, I have actually been struggling for a long time.
INTO and OVER IT
Over it: winter, being cold, dry skin, Maryland
Into: SPRING, warmth, southern hospitality
Over it: doubt, guilt, depression
Into: really consciously trying not to be the above
Over it: THIS KNEE INJURY
Into: learning to accept it and work even harder to overcome it
Into: learning to accept it and work even harder to overcome it
Over it: judgmental stares and not wanting to leave the house in fear of them (judgment in general)
Into: accepting who I am, and recognizing judgmental stares are either curiosity or other people's own misery
Over it: feeling miserable
Into: finding some joy at least once a day
Over it: accepting crappy food at a restaurant
Into: saying something, politely of course
Over it: people who refuse my hospitality
Into: always and forever cooking for my loved ones and those who want it and forgetting about those who refuse
Over it: church (this may become a blog post soon because I have a reason, I used to LOVE church) and all the fakeness that is at church
Into: faith and aiming to be truly faithful- it makes me a better person
Over it: getting so mad at myself when I go over my calorie/weight watchers points
Into: try my best every day, but choose a variety of healthy options and don't worry if I splurge
Over it: too much wine
Into: classy cocktails (new endeavor?) and moderate amounts of wine
Over it: Anger
Into: knowing and trusting that I am loved, regardless of situations
Love, that's all.
xoxo
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